30 January 2013

The Zombie Poet (a parody)

(read out loud to the melody of Adele’s Someone Like You)

They said that it was
“Just a scratch”
I thought,
“Just a scratch”
Doesn’t sound too bad.
But then...

but then...

2 weeks later

The stench surrounds me
like a fuzzy slanket, the stench
of death...
of blood...
of feces.
A sliver of my former human self.

Shambling to a beat
playing only in my head.
Shuffle, shuffle, drag, drag
shuffle, shuffle, drag, drag
Damn. There goes my my forearm.

18 December 2012

Tap-dancing with excitement

On December 21, I will be arrivaderci-ing the usual Holiday shenanigans and traveling to Scotland with my dear friends, Kellie and Jens. (Brad Pitt is staying put at home.)

That's right, it's gonna be a kilty Xmas and a tartan New Year. Who cares if we're going at the worst possible time, weather-wise? We'll stay warm by drowning ourselves in Scotch-laced hot toddies. And haggis meat pies.

You all know I like lists, right?

Things I must do whilst in Scotland:
  • Prance around the Highlands like I've been cast in a (Scottish) reboot of the Sound of Music
  • Get stuck in a sheep crossing 
  • Pay homage to Monty Python & the Holy Grail by storming the walls of Castle Doune.
  • Sleep in an honest to goodness castle. (Arranged! 2 nights in Dalhousie Castle.)
  • Isle of Skye!
  • Stalk Ewan McGregor
  • Visit at least 1 of the whisky distilleries on this list
  • Find a pub that will televise the Dec 23 and Dec 30 Patriots' games
  • Let my movie freak flag fly - Harry Potter film locations 
  • Learn how to say "Yankee, go home" in Scottish gaelic

I'm sure there's more but those are the most important.

27 July 2012

Currently Viewing: A 2-fer - Cowboys and Aliens + Strictly Ballroom

Cowboys and Aliens

I popped in the Blu-Ray and watched 2 hours of my life go down the proverbial drain, never to be retrieved. What producer genius green-lit this monstrosity? Look, I'm all for genre mash-ups, but this script was ill-conceived and fell super-flat in its execution.

Netflix: Cowboys & Aliens
Normally, I have no problem with suspending my disbelief when watching movies - obviously, seeing I just rented a movie about cowboys AND aliens - but don't expect me to suspend my logic in addition to my disbelief - that's lazy script writing and insulting to the audience. Everyone involved with this train wreck seemed to be on autopilot - the performances were drab and lifeless, the cinematography uninspiring, the soundtrack weak sauce. It's as if the cast already knew going in that this film was a lame duck. Even Daniel Craig's toned buttocks in leather chaps didn't distract me enough from this crapfest.

Strictly Ballroom

I recently revisited my love for this movie. It’s the first installment (and directorial debut) of Baz Lurhmann’s “Red Curtain” trilogy of theatre motif-related films – the 2nd and 3rd being “William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet” and “Moulin Rouge” respectively.

Netflix: Strictly Ballroom
It's as light as cotton candy and just as sweet, with a heavy dash of quirky Australians, whipped to a campy froth. It's intentionally absurd but sincere at the same time, its romantic beating heart worn visibly and with pride on the sleeves of the bespangled Dayglo costumes. If you're not on your feet and stomping the Paso Doble at the final dance number, then you, my friend, have a heart blacker than Voldemort's. (Ps. the soundtrack is killer.)

26 July 2012

Currently Watching: The Descendants

A big misfire for Alexander Payne, who directed "Sideways", a personal fave.

Devoid of the charm and snarky comedy that I loved about Sideways, The Descendants was a major snooze. Every plot point was telegraphed, the tone was schizophrenic - it couldn't decide if it was a family drama or trag-omedy (tragedy + comedy) - resulting in a deeply emotionally bereft and unsatisfying viewing experience. The red flag was the 20-minute voice-over in the beginning, telling the audience the entire back-story of the relationship between husband and wife. When Clooney's sonorous V.O. kicked in... and kept going... and going... (checks watch)... and still going... I knew, I just knew this was going to try my patience. Alex - show, don't tell! How was this nominated for Best Oscar?! Ugh, two big fat thumbs down.

Netflix: The Descendants

15 July 2012

30 Shades of Nonsense: Random Notes, Thoughts and Guacamole

  1. Haven’t written anything in a month. Creatively constipated. Need an enema.
  2. Beginning July 16, I will be embarking on The Quest.
  3. Louis C.K. is currently the funniest thing on the tube.
  4. Email from the husband --
Husband: Mmmmm, I’m gonna Higgs your bosun.
Me: Is that code for something?
Husband: Mmmmm, I’m gonna code your something.
(note: Higgs bosun is a sub-atomic particle, also referred to as the God particle.)
  1. Trader Joe’s has grass fed, New Zealand ground beef on sale for $5.99. Do you know how much of an awesome price that is for grass fed anything?
  2. Best thing about summer: overabundance of avocados. Why? GUACAMOLE, that’s why!
  3. The husband is suffering from a severe case of wanderlust and proposed taking a month off to traipse around Europe. I heartily agreed.
  4. Afternoon light (around 5 or 6pm) creates the most beautiful long shadows.
  5. Most listened to this week: Townes van Zandt, Them Crooked Vultures, O Mio Babbino Caro
  6. Songs guaranteed to make me choke up every time: Rolling Stones’ “Wild Horses” and Tom Waits’ “San Diego Serenade”.
  7. I don’t get 50 Shades of Grey. I read the first 15 pages on Amazon and... let’s just say, I would also use a pseudonym.
  8. I love Amazon.com.
  9. Hollywood needs more women directors like Kathryn Bigelow.
  10. My love of movies exceeds the heat generated in a large hadron collider (allegedly 10 million billion degrees Celsius).
  11. Currently reading a really crappy script by a fellow writer; vacillating between giving brutally honest feedback or merely adding to his delusion. (And I’m not being snooty; this script is truly awful.)
  12. Hey, overly endowed girl. Just because it’s hot out is not a justification to expose your chichis. Leave something to the imagination, for the love of everything decent in this world.
  13. I think the movie-going audience is now ready for a Thelma and Louise reboot.
  14. Watching kittens play has been medically proven to lower your blood pressure.*
  15. Drinking wine has also been proven to do the same as #18.*
  16. Not watching the news has also... etc... etc.... refer to #18.*
  17. Last films watched: The Hurt Locker, Clueless, Shame.
  18. A phrase that I wish would gain in popularity - “Pish posh”.
  19. The Oxford comma - yea or nay?
  20. The aughts’ cultural zeitgeist - a vacuous black hole or appropriately zeitgeistian?
  21. Contemplating undertaking Project 365. But that’s, like, a lot of photos so contemplating a (much) truncated version instead: Project 30.
  22. Random Facebook conversation:
J: So, is it love or hate when an animal rubs its butt across your pillows?
S: Depends if they leave a skidmark or not.
J: No skidmark.
S: Then love.
J: Smelly love.
S: Love stinks.
J: Apparently.

  1. The elements that make up our bodies are the same elements that make up the universe; ergo, we are of the universe.
  2. Countdown: 5 months, 8 days, 3 hours, 27 minutes until Scotland (as of 7/12/12 @ 2:49pm)
  3. Uh....
  4. Whatever happened to David Chappelle?

*These statements have not been medically proven to be true.

20 March 2012

Ode to pollen, ragweed, mold spores, and getting old…

Creeping up on my 44th year of life and the inevitable breakdown of the physical form becomes… well, inevitable. 

I feel it in the tightness of the hips and lower back getting out of bed in the morning. It’s in the creaking and cracking of knee joints whilst squatting to lift up an object. It’s in my failing eye sight that has been, up until a year ago, perfect vision 20/20. It’s in the unavoidable root canal that I’ve been avoiding for the past eight months. The most recent ailment that has befallen me is seasonal allergies, in addition to a general assault on my previously ironclad immune system.

For someone who has always been healthy, strong, hardly ever sick and never been to the hospital ever (except for that one time I had to have my stomach pumped), it’s sobering to realize that the body is on the slippery slope of decline. Exponentially so. To commemorate this officious step away from youthful immortality towards unalterable death, an attempted (silly) foray into composing haiku… (part of the PBS experiment.)

                                                      Weepy, wat'ry eyes
                                           Mucous membrane, snot snot snot
                                                   Phlegm, my best friend is
         O, yonder hip-bone
Lest you jest at my pai-ain
       T’aint funny one bit
                                         Curs-ed are the years 
                                     Cantankerous maladies
                                         I declare, Begone!
                          Ipso facto death
            ‘fore he thee pluck, crooks finger
                            It, I ignoreth

I’m obsessed with the notion that we are (literally) dying just a little bit every day. I may be having a mid-life crisis. More on that later if/when I figure it out.

07 March 2012

Project Brain Stimulation

Who sez you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Brad Pitt is a big proponent on keeping the brain healthy and fit so that we’re both mentally agile as we drift into our twilight years. No vacant drooling into our soups for this couple.

Do you know that if you don’t periodically teach your brain new tricks, it’s in danger of becoming flabby from disuse? Our brains are thinking organs that learn and grow by interacting with the world through perception and action. Mental stimulation improves brain function and actually protects it from cognitive decline. Or so I've read.

Do you also know that alcohol in moderation can actually be good for the brain, however too much alcohol can kill brain cells and your ability to think and reason effectively? But that’s another post for another day.

Accordingly, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to engage the brain in creative and fun new activities (Project Brain Stimulation, or PBS) to keep it in P90X tiptop shape. I'm not implying one needs to tax one's brain by reading Michio Kaku's "Parallel Worlds" and mastering the notion of string theory, black holes and parallel universes, which is fascinating, by the way. Can you imagine eleven different versions of yourself living eleven different lives? I can't.

I'm talking about learning something new on a small scale. It can be as simple as learning how to dance the rhumba, or craft haikus, or fashion swan origami, or a new language (okay, learning a new language may be a little harder). Or knitting. Which is what I chose for my first PBS endeavor.

Not sure how or why I was compelled to learn how to knit. Before last month, I've never had an inkling of needing nor wanting to knit. (Knitting was for grandmas.) It may have been when I stumbled across ravelry.com while researching blogs for this blog. Ravelry is this giant on-line knitting community. Knitters share their projects, patterns, chat/discuss/gossip about knitting on message boards. It's like a cult with yarn instead of the wacko philosophizing and/or partner swapping.

Poking about, I came across these drool-worthy sweaters made by a knitter in Germany. I may have thought something like, "Dang, that's a fine looking sweater", downloaded the pattern, got confused with all the strange instructions (it was akin to trying to make heads and tails of Egyptian hieroglyphs), drooled over more sweaters, got more inspired, googled knitting classes in Rhode Island, found one taking place at Blithewold Mansion in Bristol, and there I went.

For whatever reason, the instructor didn't feel the need to teach us how to cast on (committing the first row of stitches on which to grow subsequent stitches), the very FIRST thing, in my humble non-knitter opinion, one would need to know to even BEGIN knitting. In spite of that one weird exclusion, it was a productive 2 hours - I learnt how to make the knit and purl stitch.

For those who've never knitted before, the actual physical act of knitting is like learning how to walk for the first time. The synapse firings were rebelling HARD, as my fat clumsy fingers fumbled with these too-long knitting needles, threatening to poke an eyeball out with every stitch, yarn tangling around my ankles. I MAY have stabbed the woman next to me with the non-pointy end but she was too polite to bitch me out. (Sorry, knitting fellow whose name I do not recall.)

Once my over-ambitious plan of knitting a cool sweater as my first project crashed and burned, I set my sights on a more humble project: the all-purpose winter scarf. I went home, youtubed how to cast on, three months later… et voilĂ !

Don't laugh!

I may now cross # 7 off my bucket list.

16 February 2012

Wanderlust + Winter Doldrums = Travel Wish List

I like making lists. When I see a list, I see items that can be checked off as complete and ergo, a feeling of accomplishment.  It gives an illusory sense of order that I can truly appreciate.

Without further ado:  go to TRAVEL WISH LIST now.

Wanderlust at Defcon 5

Pinterest. Do you know it? I'm a tad obsessed.

I'm keeping a running visual Travel Wish List over on Pinterest as well.

Compiling the following list made me a little sad.

Places I'd Love To Revisit But Probably Won't Because The Wish List Is Ever So Long Already:
- Australia
- New Zealand
- France
- Italy
- Cuba
- Cambodia
- Thailand
- India

What's on your Top 5 Travel Wish List?

31 January 2012

A Case of the Mondays on a Tuesday Night

This is a rant about how much I hate work more than the heat of a thousand burning suns.  And by work, I mean that obligatory thing most all of us do to avoid being homeless. I'm not referring to WORK that most of us dream of doing, WORK that is born from great inspiration, WORK that makes your insides hum, WORK that brings out the best in you, WORK that makes you excited about getting up in the morning. Yeah, that WORK I will most gladly and happily do.

I hate work more than:
  • bamboo shoved under my fingernails
  • waterboarding
  • bathing in a river of sh*t
  • listening to Michael Buble on repeat
  • propping up of eyelids, Clockwork Orange styles, for forced viewing of Keeping up with the Sh*tKardashians, Jersey Sh*tShore, Sh*tty Housewives of Sh*tWhatevsCounty, Dancing with the Sh*ts, et al

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

EDIT: ps. This post is 75% hyperbole and 25% truth. Some folks were confused.

07 December 2011

My Husband is Brad Pitt

No, not really, but the husband refuses to let me use his real name or post his photo on the blog because he's an anti-social freak. To this day, I do not have a proper photo with the husband - just obscene hand gestures and silly faces, like so:

Ah, the finger. How original!

(The above facsimile has not been approved by the husband so let's keep this between ourselves, shall we?)

Since I'm banned from using his real name (Jeff), and because "the husband" is so impersonal and cold, from this point forth, I shall refer to the husband as Brad Pitt.

Speaking of Mr. Pitt (the real one, not the husband), I was inspired to make a visual retrospective of my favorite Brad Pitt movie roles.

Sweet baby jesus

Thelma & Louise

Stoner Floyd

True Romance

Worst. Irish. Accent. Ever. 


Psycho Pitt

Twelve Monkeys

Finding-my-wife's-severed-head-in-a-box Pitt


Licking of computer screen permitted. 

Fight Club

You're very welcome.

28 November 2011

How I Spent Black Friday

It wasn't at the friggin' mall, that's for certain. Only lunatics leave the house on Black Friday. Don't these people know they can get that same shit on-line? What they sacrifice in tactile viscerality (I just made up that word), they save in gas money, sales tax, elbows to the face, and sanity points by shopping on-line. But you know this already - I'm preaching to the choir, am I right?

Anyhoo, look at these gems I found on Etsy. My shopping list is complete! Finished a month early!

Self high-five!!

Handmade Art Doll
Guaranteed to scar the child in your life with recurring nightmares. (If that's what you're aiming for.)

Maris the Mermaid Cloth Art Doll
Apparently, there's this burgeoning underground movement of all things mermaid as evidenced here. Fine, whatever. You like mermaid crafts, and I don't. To each her own. The thing that has me scratching my head, though, is how anyone in good conscience can charge $20 for Maris here when it looks like the seller's six-year old niece fashioned her from leftover Bratz dolls and a burlap sack.

27 November 2011

Currently Viewing - "Captain America: The First Avenger"

My expectations were preeetty low when I heard that they were making a Captain America movie, because who is a more boring super hero than Captain America? Superman, that's who. With Captain being a close second. I expected this to crash harder than the morning after an all-night blow binge. Not that I would know what that's like. (Because, really, I don't.) Instead, I was pleasantly surprised.

It's earnest and old-fashioned, told completely without irony or tongue-in-cheekiness, and that's part of its charm. Of course, the plot is preposterous but the film takes care to build the Steve Rogers' character and motivations. And the CGI used to make Chris Evans (who is 6 feet in real life) into a 5-foot, 6-inch, 90 pound weakling is top-notch seamless.

(Fast forward to after the credits roll for a sneek peek at The Avengers movie.)

Captain America: The First Avenger
Netflix: Captain America: The First Avenger

Title: Captain America: The First Avenger, 2011
Director: Joe Johnston
Starring: Chris Evans, Hayley Atwell, Tommy Le Jones, Hugo Weaving